September 29, 2022

According to my sources, God tends to get furious at certain groups of people for doing bad things. But when he punishes the bad people, he seems to punish a lot of good people in the process. You remember that flood? The one with Noah and the ark? God was mad at mankind for having sex, drinking booze, gambling and eating shellfish, but instead of just striking all the bad people with lightning, he flooded the world!

It was a dick move because (a) not every person on Earth was eating shellfish or coveting their neighbor’s oxen, and (b) he killed all the animals on the planet (except for the pairs of ducks and monkeys on the ark) for something just a few bad apples were mixed up in at the time.

I won’t go into why the flood was unfair (why did all the oceanic life get spared?), but it’s an example of friendly-fire collateral damage when God unleashes his almighty vengeance on sinners. I think. So God doesn’t have a beef with Israel… Israel just got caught in the crossfire.

The real fight is between God and the sinners who he intended to punish with this plague… Republican Evangelical Christians who supported Trump. I guess he gave them a pass after the election. But when Evangelicals kept supporting the Sinner in Chief after he caged refugee children, mistreated the poorest among us and bore false witness thousands of times in his first year in office, God started sending hurricanes to red states in the South.

That didn’t get the Evangelicals’ attention. If there’s one thing God doesn’t like, it’s being ignored. It brings out the vengeful part of his lordliness. And you do not want a vengeful god.

Above: This is why we can’t have nice things.

Holy conspiracy theory: It’s no coincidence that immediately after Trump’s corrupt Kompro-mates in Congress had their sham trial and let Trump get away with everything, God set a plague upon the firmament (via the trusty coronavirus) immediately after the impeachment ended — Mere hours after Moscow Mitch shut down Dacha Donald’s trial in the Senate.

God works in mysterious ways, as you know. And sometimes he’s merciful. Sometimes he overreacts. Smiting isn’t as easy as it looks.

So he didn’t set the coronavirus free in Dallas or Kentucky: instead, God dropped the plague off in China (God hates Communists, right?) to give Trump, his Republican enablers and the Evangelicals who put all of them in office one last chance to do the right thing and listen to the Almighty’s smiting. One. Last. Chance.

God misjudged the GOP, unfortunately. And since Trump is a fellow atheist, God misjudged how corruptly stupid Trump is, too.

So the reason the US has the highest coronavirus infection rate is to punish Trump’s Evangelicals, their Republican governors and the Republican members of congress who are trying to lie their way out of this plague the Lord sent.

If televangelists got to blame abortion and gay marriage for 9/11, I blame Trump Evangelicals for the coronavirus pandemic. And I blame God for not being more surgical and focused in his smiting via plagues or floods. If FoxNews called initial reports of the pandemic “The Coronavirus Impeachment Scam”, I can claim to speak for God and tell the whole lot of them to dress for warm weather when they get to Hell.


The irony is that the MAGA crowd saw the terrible situation in New York City and assumed it was all the sinning in NYC being punished. They were dead wrong — NYC was their last warning before God’s plague attacked them in their homes and neighborhoods and killed their families and friends.

I don’t know if God will give us non-believers points for trying to do the right thing during this plague just because it’s the moral thing to do — and not because a sky king is watching us — but I’m afraid the surviving red state MAGA fanatics will miss the Lord’s message entirely. Their false bronzed idol will tell them that their 401(k)s are performing better than Abe Lincoln, and the handful of Evangelicals will listen to Hannity and blame the whole plague on China, homosexuals and rock music.

But Israel? This isn’t their fight this time. This is about Family Values.


PROP. 45 WARNING: This post contains one or more of the following: Sarcasm, sardonic tone, ironic intent, subtle humor, wordplay, false approbation, approbation and/or obscure references. Please contact a medical professional or licensed psychic if you experience fury, outrage, righteous indignation, confusion or a metallic taste in your mouth after skimming the contribution above. Content void in any US county or congressional district where MAGA hats are worn in public settings.

No Gods were harmed or invoked in the writing of this post.

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